I almost died at the dinner table last night.
Had I actually choked to death instead of being administered the Heimlich by my husband, then my poor children would've spent the rest of their lives explaining to people how their mom was killed by a slice of pizza.
As I sat quietly at our dining room table measuring the severity of the unnaturally long string of pizza cheese lodged in the space usually inhabited by my breathing, I thought about what my daughter's hair would look like in school photos if left in the hands of my theoretically-widowed husband and decided I wanted to live.
My husband must have noticed the gurgling sound coming from my direction as I tried to pull the chunk of stringy cheese from my throat, because in half a gag's time he sprung into action. One, two, three and next thing you know the stringy lump of cheese landed on my thigh with an uneventful thud, trying to pretend he'd been there all along.
Sure. Try to play it cool, cheese, but we both know you just tried to kill me.
Of course at the time it wasn't exactly funny, but as the night drew on, I couldn't stop giggling about the whole thing, not only because I kept imagining how incredibly awesome I must have looked while gagging at the dinner table but also because we've had such a stressful week that the only thing that could've put us back on the same page was a brush with death at the hands of a deep dish pizza.
Mike said that if it had happened the night before, he may have waited a few seconds just to make me sweat.
A few notes:
- I did finish the slice of pizza.
- My mom arrives tomorrow to help me with the kids while Mike is away and also to make sure I chew my food.
- This is actually the second time I've been given the Heimlich, the first being at my sister's celebratory engagement dinner when I was ten years old. Talk about one-upping.
- Had I died last night, I wouldn't have been able to share this CRAZY, INSANE news with y'all.
In case you're still considering eating pizza again after my super appetizing story, here's our family recipe for homemade pizzas and my favorite homemade pizza topping ever. Buon appetito.
And in related news, here's a video on how to do the Heimlich.