Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Let's Have a Kiki

OMGOMGYG. (Oh my god, oh my god, you guys).

It's been a beat, right?  Last night I was thinking about all the things we haven't talked about in the recent weeks while I was away doing things like getting irritated at Verizon and trying to keep my kids from falling in the pool with their clothes on.

Here's a list of things I've been meaning to tell you:

- Last week we went on a ten-day vacation to the motherland (Virginia), which we also did last year (once again repeating the annual crab race and boat napping). I ate cookies every day and let my mom carry me around the pool like a baby. It was weird. People stared. Guess how many points we scored in the caring game? Zero.

- In case you missed it on Instagram, my one-year-old called me fat in the greeting card aisle in the grocery store using her outside voice. I put myself on, like, a strict diet for four hours and then had five Oreos and a margarita for dinner.

- When I was in high school, a few of my best-looking friends worked at Abercrombie. Apparently they were told during training not to approach and greet customers, since I guess being a prick is cool? So this week I learned that the grown-up version of Abercrombie is Verizon, offering the package I want to new customers for $29.99 and offering me, customer of 17 years, the same package for $84.

I didn't want to sit at the cool kid table anyways, Verizon, so I made a new friend.  Her name is Xfinity. And yes, her real name is Tanya but she started going by Xfinity in eighth grade because Xfinity is way edgier. It starts with an X.  We'll be sitting over here at the $49.99 table.

- Oh, and the birdie is almost two. I read a parenting article recently that said you shouldn't label your kids 'the smart one' or 'the shy one' because it causes irreparable damage, but it didn't say anything about 'the one I have to worry about'. She's the one I have to worry about. She's already calling me out, as in she can smell cookies on my breath from the back seat of the car. She's already stolen my wallet twice. Also, how did two already get here? Weren't we just pretending to throw her a first birthday party?


  1. So glad that you're back.

  2. You make me laugh. Like, a lot. You are awesome. ��


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